There once was a time when I did not define the quality of my day by my productivity.
An old friend made me step back, today. We ran into eachother at the gym, and after friendly hello's she just asked: "So, how is your life? Do you have peace and clarity?"
Such directness is admirable.
I stumbled around a bit with an answer. It was an enlightening stumbling, though. No, I don't have peace and clarity; I don't prioritize them, I prioritize energy, and focus, and productivity. Because of the mania I see in people around me who I admire. Because it's what expected of a graduate student. Because, as they say, you can rest (in peace) when you're dead. Because I want to be accepted? No, I said, because I want to prove to myself that I can be that kind of person. Bullshit? Who knows.
But the truth is, I do feel like I'm swimming against a current.
And maybe . . . maybe I should just be who I am. Who I was. Because I think people liked and respected the me that valued peace and clarity. I did. I still do.
Listening: K's Choice, "If You're Not Scared" posted by Miles 9:27 PM
Peace and clarity? Wow, man, I can vaguely remember those things . . . in my previous life before becoming another Harvard grad student. :P